Sigh. More Toby problems, surprise surprise. I didn’t write about this last time because I was just too tired and stressed out to worry about writing. Meh.
This story involves:
Toby- my boyfriend, possibly an asshole, but kinda not really?
Jeremy- Toby’s roommate and boss.
Kaitlin- Jeremy’s girlfriend
Tory- Jeremy & Toby’s neighbor, I’ve known him since college 4 years ago. Funny guy, into music and such.
Tucker - Tory’s roommate, apparently they’re not dating, but may be sleeping together. She’s an all around awesome girl with a funny sense of humor. I met her once about 4 years ago at Tory’s old apartment.
So basically, about a month and a half ago the two people who live across the street from Toby, Tory and Tucker, brought this game over called Killer Bunnies . It’s this really ridiculous card game, where you collect bunnies, and try and kill everybody else’s bunnies. I had an awesome time drinking beer and killing bunnies and just chilling. I’ve wanted to be friends with Tory & Tucker for a while cause they’re just cool people to hang out with.
So a month passes. Tory & Tucker try to organize another game night. Tucker tweeted about it, specifically mentioning Jeremy and Toby in her tweet. I asked Toby if I could come. He says no and that he wants a night with just the “guys”. Okay, I get that we hang out a lot together, and I respect that he needs his time to himself. What I don’t understand is why I can’t be a part of this game night. The thing is that this isn’t about me being with him, it’s about me being a part of the group: 1. hanging out with cool people who I’d love to get to know better, and 2. just generally not feeling excluded. He says that I change the group dynamic and he doesn’t like that, which is really kind of upsetting. I don’t need to be a girlfriend 24/7, I want to be able to be just a friend too. And maybe this is not just a him problem, but it really feels like he isn’t putting forth any effort to try and see things from my side, and to compromise. I don’t know how to fix that.
I think some other things were said then too but I can’t really remember. At any rate, Jeremy got really sick and the game night was cancelled. I tried to talk to Toby about this all, but I never really felt much resolve. I ended up just pushing it away in the back of my head.
Fast forward to last night. Toby came over for dinner. We had ravioli and salad. We ended up naked in my bedroom and all that jazz. Unfortunately, I don’t have any lube in my apartment. I got condoms, but totally forgot about the lube part, so sex kinda failed. I felt bad though so I offered to finish him off orally. He tasted like latex though so he offered to go rinse off in the shower. While he was in the shower I flipped open my computer and was reading twitter. Tucker had tweeted about Killer Bunnies again. :/ Tonight they’re having another game night.
Basically, all the same feelings about being excluded and left out resurfaced. I wouldn’t have even been able to go because I’m working tonight, but I still felt bad. I know Toby wouldn’t have invited me, even if he knew that I did have the evening off. We ended up having a long talk about it, though I was crying for a lot of it, and I’m sure that was a bit hard for Toby to deal with. I do appreciate that he sat there with me.
I don’t know exactly how the conversation went to be honest. I felt sick the whole time from having eating too much pasta, having sex right afterwards, and then crying. I know that these things were brought up:
-I feel excluded and unwanted, and for whatever reason that’s a really big insecurity for me.
-I know that I wouldn’t care if Toby were going out to the bar with his friend Mike, but I don’t want to be friends with Mike. I do want to be friends with Tory & Tucker.
-Toby feels like he is just barely getting to be a part of the group. He feels like he still just happens to be the roommate that lives there, more than part of it all, and because of that feels awkward saying “hey, can my girlfriend come play too?”
-He wants time to just chill out without me being around.
I don’t know. I don’t understand why I can’t be integrated into this group. I know that Tory & Tucker like me, or at least they ask about me and seem to be pleasant and cheerful when I’m around. I get that Toby feels like he can’t just invite me over, but it is his apartment, and it’s a game night, not some music related thing where I would have no ability to add anything to the group.
I just feel angry and upset and I want everything to be better but I don’t know how to make it better. I feel like we need therapy or something. :/
And most of the time he’s so loving. We had a wonderful dinner. It was an admittedly failed attempt at sex, but that doesn’t usually happen. He doesn’t treat me badly at all, or at least….not in the classic way of abuse. I mean, I am feeling pretty fucking shitty right now, and mostly it’s because of him but I don’t know how to fix the problem. Ugh. It’s just so gross and yucky and I don’t know what the point of any of this is. I just want to be somebody wonderful, and I don’t feel very wonderful at all right now.
I feel like I need to talk to somebody, but I don’t have anyone to talk to, so if you read this and have anything to say, please do.
